Life with a newborn requires a whole different set of skills from life without a newborn. Or life without children, for that matter. In the last 7 weeks, I’ve developed many but am still somewhat lacking. For the sake of sanity, this list-maker is taking an assessment. You’re welcome to come along and laugh because let’s be honest. Some of this is ridiculous.

What I Can Do Now:

  • Eat with one hand while the baby nurses.
  • …While dropping a minimum of crumbs on my child’s head. This one took practice. Sorry, Mac.
  • Fall asleep quickly in the middle of the night.
  • Do laundry multiple times a week without complaint. Cloth diapers, here we come!
  • Handle bodily fluid without batting an eye. Cuddle time in the morning turns into spit-up clean-up? No problem.
  • Take a shower in less time than the baby needs for his morning nap. This might be my biggest accomplishment, guys.

What I Haven’t Figured Out How To Do:

  • Brush my teeth with one hand while putting on lotion with the other. (I can do the whole pat-your-leg-with-one-hand-and-rub-it-with-the-other thing, but this? Not happening.) (Is that a real thing or was it just my family?)
  • Write a coherent text free of errors with one hand. Thank goodness my best text buddy knows what I really mean.
  • Send out thank-you notes in any reasonable amount of time.
  • Summon the willpower and energy to brush my teeth at night more than once or twice a week. Guess I’m signing up for dental insurance.
  • Find a daycare whose inspection reports aren’t scary. Parent forgot to sign out their kid? Fine. Not enough food for children? Employees without proof of background check? So not fine.
  • Snapchat something other than the baby or the dog. They’re so damn cute.

Any other parents have similar stories? Suggestions on skills I should be developing or tips for the ones I haven’t managed yet?